“I’m sorry”
Two vital words for the thriving of any healthy relationship, and also two of the most challenging.
What is a real (healthy) apology?
First- what it isn’t.
Blame or justifying:
“I’m sorry I said that mean thing, but you said something mean first”.
(The word “but” is a cancel word in a sentence. It cancels the first part of the sentence, and leaves the receiver with only the second half).
Denial:
“I’m sorry my comment made you feel that way”.
Contempt (aka sarcasm):
“I’m sorry, Jeez” (rolls eyes)
Control:
“I said I was sorry so let’s drop it”.
The problem with each is the level of insincerity. The person receiving the apology feels dismissed, unheard and probably patronized to some extent. The insincere apology becomes a wedge of disconnect and resentment instead of a bid for connection.
So what is a real apology? The kind that actually has the power to fix issues?
Key word: Accountability.
Own your behavior
“I am sorry I”….. was short with you, said that mean thing, lied about where I was etc.
“I can see I” … hurt you, broke your trust, confused you etc.
“I want to own and take full accountability for my behavior.”
At this point, you allow the person to share their feelings about it. Listening to understand not defend. No explanations. No defense. No blame. No expectations or demands they need to apologize too. That is up to them.
“I will commit to ….. in the future so this does not happen again”
What behavior are you willing to commit to so it is not a repeated event?
Then make sure you DO it
Being accountable not only rebuilds trust, it allows others the opportunity to feel safe to do the same around you.
This is birthplace of true connection and honest change.