Ask a room full of people how they feel about conflict, and most report trying to avoid it at all costs. I, personally, used to do whatever I could to escape conflict, applying a myriad of strategic avoidance strategies. I was master of denial using logic to ignore or acquiesce to merge into any form that would deter conflict.  Other times I might attempt to manipulate the other person; the situation; even myself, lashing out with aggression or righteous blame.  Sound familiar? It seems humans are wired for connection, and conflict is a real threat to that, so we often do our very best to elude it. Added to that primitive reality, many of us didn’t have very good examples of positive conflict; hence, we are left without clear direction about how to engage in conflict with others in a healthy way.

But what if conflict was actually a positive thing? What if it actually created stronger connection with others, and more importantly, stronger connection within you? What if there was a way to consciously work with conflict and, instead of shutting us down, it allowed opening to our very best and most authentic self? The truth is, one of the most empowering things you can learn and practice is to embrace the skill of conscious conflict.

Why?

Because conflict really is all about you.

Yep. I know. That’s tough to hear, and it is 100 percent true. Humans do this thing called projection. Projection is a self-defense and protective mechanism that involves taking our own unacceptable, unhealed and unexamined qualities or feelings and ascribing them to other people. We may blame another. We may judge another. We may shame or get angry at another. We may spend lots of energy complaining about the weather, the government, our boss, our kids or our spouse. We do this with the unconscious survival strategy of it is “them”, then it is not me. Thank goodness, right? But wait. It is about you, because you are seeing all your disowned, displaced or shadow parts. Staying stuck in projection means we are living half a life; we are half a self with the other half in darkness.

Now for the good news.

Conflict has the ability to highlight where we might be projecting unhealed parts of ourselves onto another. To be our very best and most empowered selves, we must heal our real wounds instead of projecting them onto our partners. To be willing to be consciously courageous and emotionally honest is a risk, and an act of truth, that allows us to change dysfunctional patterns within ourselves and find authentic expression.

Using conflict in a conscious way allows us to isolate what inner wounds require healing, and then we can do our own work on those buried places; bringing that shadow to the light of awareness and integration. Conflict becomes a walkway to our inner world, eradicating victim consciousness, allowing us self-reflection, accountability, deep awareness and true empowerment. Evoking curiosity, rather than blame, we can excavate the root cause behind our emotional triggers and limiting beliefs. This slows down time enough to assess what is about “now” and what baggage we have carried with us from our past that we need to put down once and for all.  We can then gift ourselves with acceptance and compassion, mending any unworthiness or insecurity we feel and allowing us to define authentic boundaries with ourselves and others.

Conflict is inevitable. When we use conflict in a conscious way it becomes a tool for transformation. Our innate need to connect is no accident; it is where we are gifted some of the most profound and deepest lessons. Through the work of relating with another we can discover the empowered and authentic truth of who we are as individuals.