Money. Say the word, and you’ll get a variety of reactions. Money is one of those many-layered, complicated and often challenging topics. It’s right up there with health, intimate relationships and death in its ability to confuse and terrify us, and teach us in ways that aren’t always so gentle. 

 I, like many living in a materialistic, “better than” culture where instant gratification was the norm, received confusing messages and conditioning around money. Money is given a lot of power in our culture, as it is interwoven with security, identity, worthiness and esteem. For many years, I did with money what a lot of people do when confronted or confused about something, I simply tried to ignore it. Perhaps, if I just overlooked those bills, bank statements and credit card receipts, I could erase the accumulating interest.

Ignoring problems certainly doesn’t make them go away. As much as we try to bury reality in the back corner of our consciousness, reality has a way of revealing itself. My “revelation” was anything but gentle or kind; as is the case with most slaps of reality. Looking back, what felt like a sudden event, a perfect storm of unseen financial chaos was, in actuality, a building frontal system ready to drench me in the water of reality, and wake me up. The exact circumstances of my personal financial sh*t storm are fascinating in their absurd synchronicity, and I had no choice but to pay attention.  

I was being schooled in money the hard way.  The kind of learning bred in necessity, intensity and without a choice. What I realized was my money “stuff” had very little to do with money at all. I also discovered throwing more money at the vast majority of money problems won’t actually solve the problem, because there are deeper issues-lurking mindsets or beliefs-that must be shifted.

Sifting through the layers, I unearthed core beliefs around money; ones that were tightly knitted to assumptions around my very being, safety and worth.  Perhaps the most profound revelation in this learning was my relationship with receiving. You see, until that point, I had found my niche as an expert “caretaker”. Being brought up in the consensual lexicon of high expectation and standards has a tendency to do that. I learned to attend others and edit myself for acceptance. Throw some addiction and codependency into the early childhood story, and you become a professional. Either way, I was an expert at giving. Receiving? Not so much. 

Why?

The “giver” holds the power position; more control, and thus more assumed “safety”. If I don’t ask for anything, I’ll have nothing to lose.  If I become who you want me to be; if you need me and depend on me- you’ll never leave me. Receiving is a place of vulnerability after all, and from the wrong people there could be dangerous strings attached. This was a pretty good survival strategy according to my most primitive self who craved connection over consciousness. The problem was, it never actually worked. I never really felt safe or secure enough. In fact, it was exhausting, frustrating and fraught with fear and resentment. My finances were simply an outer reflection of this inner fear and lack. My crash brought this all to the forefront, forcing me to ask for help, making me face my relationship with receiving and my beliefs around abundance.

Like breathing, we need the inhale and the exhale. We need to give and we need to receive. In truth, life constantly reminds us of the abundance present, yet we are blocked to receiving it. We often push away a compliment, a sunrise and even a well-earned achievement. We explain away and diminish our own worth on a daily basis. We are challenged to ask for help, feeling embarrassment or even shame. Then we wonder why our bank account is lacking. Being open to abundance, means undoing these blocks and allowing the truth of our worth and our abundance to flow freely. You are worth it.